All the Scandal That's Fit to Print

Can I just ask who the hell cares whether Jeannine Pirro's husband had an affair or not? Why is this on the cover of the New York Times?

For those who don't watch TV or read newspapers, Ms. Pirro is a candidate for Attorney General in New York and apparently, that job requires someone who won't try to bug her own phone when she suspects her husband is cheating on her, 'cause that's what the media is going on and on about! Can you believe it? It's like if someone were, say, a CEO of a major corporation, had a fling with, I don't know, an intern, and all the media outlets went on and on about it. My question in these kinds of situations is always "does this 'scandal' have an adverse effect on their ability to do the job they were hired for?" In the case of Jeannine Pirro, I'm guessing the answer is no, unless she's so obsessed with her husband's (alleged) infidelity she can't focus on other matters.

And so it was with William Jefferson Clinton (a former Chief Executive Office of a major corporation - the US government). When he took up with a plucky young intern, the two of them laughing, trying on berets and sharing a slice of pizza or a good cigar, you'd think he was sending American troops into a country to fight for a cause he built up in his own mind. Sheesh! The way the republicans (and the media, which appears to be owned by the republicans) went on and on about it, you'd think it was a matter of national security instead of something his wife should be kind of pissed about.

I could not forgive the republicans for taking up so much of President Clinton's time with this nonsense that matters not one bit to (most of) the constituents who put him in office. I still can't forgive them for that idiocy (and for attempting to make something heinous out of Mr. Clinton's Whitewater real estate dealings, or for falsely claiming the Clinton's trashed the White House on their way out, or for any of the other things they attempted to pin on one of this nation's greatest leaders), but I won't now turn around and allow the same thing to happen to one of their people. Ms. Pirro deserves to be judged on her shoddy performances at news conferences and her spotty career decisions instead of her performance in her marriage. The only one who has the right to judge that performance is her husband. So everybody else just shut up about it already!

For a time (and maybe still today?), there were those who said Matt must be Ben Affleck's gay boyfriend because they've been together so long and spend so much time together and seem to really enjoy each other and stuff like that there. Well, if that's true then my friend Joe is my gay boyfriend, 'cause we love to hang out together, and see shows together, and no one makes me laugh like he does. But we're not boyfriends or lovers or even two people having a scandalous affair. We're just friends. That's just the way it is with Matt and Ben. They're very, very good friends. And now they've both got daughters who will grow up together and spend time together and (hopefully) laugh together. Oh no, do you think as they mature, people will say they're lesbian lovers?

Will the cycle never end? Friends are friends and spouses are spouses and really, the only people who should be concerned with defining the relationship are those directly involved. I don't care if Jeannine Pirro or Bill Clinton have affairs. And I certainly don't think the New York Times should care. Shame on you, New York Times, for stooping to the level of reportage employed by those at the National Enquirer! If Jeannine Pirro starts bugging average citizens of New York, because she suspects, oh I don't know, that they might, in some inestimable way, have sommething or other to do with terrorism, now, that would be something worth reporting. Do you see the difference?

Act Bad, Don’t Hurt Me, Look Sexy, Talk Dirty

No, that's not the advice Joe Eszterhas gave Elizabeth Berkley while filming Showgirls. It's a vocal riff in the lead track on Janet Jackson's new album. I remember when Janet first got Control of her career. She was like a little Black Cat who could be Nasty one minute and then tell us all about The Pleasure Principle the next. Here we are 20 years later and she’s released an album that she says looks back on what she’s accomplished and forward to what she’ll be bringing us in the days to come. 20 Y.O. is so titled because that’s how old her independent singing career is, after she wrenched control of it away from her father. It also just happens to be how long I’ve been loving Miss Jackson.

I was thrilled, as I always am, to get anything new from Janet, and I giggled like a school girl writing Mrs. Matt Damon in her notebook as I listened to the first track. Janet gives us teasers of songs we all know and love, and then proceeds to wonder aloud what on earth she can talk about on this album, since she’s already talked about racism, spousal abuse, empowering women and children. She’s covered a lot in her 20 years, and, she admits, she’s uncovered a lot (here we get the girly giggle I’ve come to adore).

Janet gives us the usual assortment of dance tracks and sexy ballads. And yes, there’s a light thunderstorm again. The girl loves the rain, it seems. Right before Take Care she dials a number (well, ten digits – she’s not going to get anyone in NYC with that) and asks “When are you coming home?” Then she purrs “I miss you.” You see, she’s in a sexy mood and only you can fill her needs. Don’t you want to fill Janet’s needs?

Aside from missing her man, she lets us know she’s So Excited, and that she’s looking for you to “Act bad, don’t hurt me, look sexy, talk dirty.” She warns us up front we’ll go crazy when we see her start shaking This Body of hers. Yes, I do kind of go crazy each time I watch Janet - Live in Hawaii. This body of hers is really amazing!

Janet is cuddly when she wants to be and she bumps and grinds like nobody’s business. But how is the music? Well, you might as well ask how Matt Damon's performance is in Good Will Hunting. It's worth your time, okay? Janet and longtime producing team Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis use grand staccato chords in So Excited and a Bollywood beat for Get It Out Me. They channel Prince on This Body and give us a carousel-like sound on Daybreak that took me back for a sec to Escapade.

There are many musical moods on this disc, but primarily it’s a happy environment. It’s one you’re likely to stay in as you play the album through and then start over again from the top. Or maybe that’s just me. I've listened to it five times already and I still need to go back and put on my favorite track: Enjoy. On this one, she tells us it rained yesterday, but that was ok, she can’t complain ‘cuz she loves it either way. Why let yourself get down about anything? We only go ‘round once, right? So we may as well “Enjoy and celebrate/Enjoy the love we make/Enjoy appreciate/Enjoy.” I enjoy Enjoy so much I think I'm gonna be enjoying it for years to come!

You know who else I enjoy? Matt Damon! Since Janet is feeling all “My career is 20 years old” I thought I would look back to see what Matt was doing when he was 20 years old. He already had his first film under his belt (ooh, would I like to see what else he has under his belt!). He delivered only one line (but beautifully) in the film Mystic Pizza as Steamer, the younger brother of Charlie - a role for which Ben Affleck also auditioned. Of course, that’s neither here nor there, I’m just sayin’ is all.

Two years later, Matt graduated to playing Charlie, but in a different movie. TNT’s Rising Son gave Matt the chance to drop out of medical school the way he had dropped out of Harvard in real life. Only this time he blamed his father, Brian Dennehy, for being unemployed, whereas in real life the culprit was his budding film career. So thank God he left Harvard early so we could have him that much sooner!

Matt’s film career is only 18 Y.O., but if he would moan and groan and shimmy and shake like Janet Jackson, I’d be one quivering mass of jelly…So Excited and so ready to enjoy and celebrate, enjoy the love we make, enjoy, appreciate…

Go Head Be Gone With It

So okay, I jumped on the bandwagon. I mean, if Justin Timberlake can move 700,000 units in the first week of release for his new CD, Futuresex/Lovesounds, I'ma haveta see what all the fuss be about.

SexyBack happens to be immensely catchy. And if you listen to the lyrics, you might find yourself with an evil little grin creeping across your face. "You see these shackles baby, I'm your slave/I'll let you whip me if I misbehave..." Kinda says it all, doesn't it? JT's a little sex puppy for Ms. Diaz to do with what she will. Lucky lady, that one.

But I do have trouble sometimes understanding what JT is on about. In the words of Arnold from Different Strokes: "Whachoo talkin' 'bout, JT?" In the titular (hee hee, that sounds a little dirty, doesn't it?) song, Justin croons: "She's hopped up for me/I've got her in my zone/Her body's pressed up on me/I think she's ready to blow/Must be my future sex love sound/And when it goes down/Baby all you gotta do is/Just tell me which way you like dat."

Alright, I get the "hopped up for me" bit (like "hopped up on drugs," right?) and I'm down with the zone thing, but what's he talking about with the future sex love sound stuff? I think he's saying, when we're making love we all have particular sounds we make that can get us going even deeper into the zone (see? I told you I'm down with that part), but is he saying that he's making these sounds in anticipation of the future sex? And that's what's turning the girl on?

It amuses me to think of Justin making these "ooh," "ugh," and "oh yeah" sounds in a bar while chatting a girl up. 'Cause, in the vision I have of him doing this in a crowded bar with Rap music blaring out of the corner woofers and tweeters, he comes off looking a little bit silly. I mean, think of Justin going "mmm, yeah, baby, damn you fine" and sucking air in through his teeth while his lips are slightly parted and he's holding her left leg in his right hand, running his fingers up and down her thigh...wait, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, these little love sounds aren't going to come across that well with rap music blaring in the background. Especially if it's the kind that goes "You my bitch, that's what I be sayin'/So give it up now, girl and don't be playin'/I'm 'onna slap you ho, while I knock off a cop/Give me props, now, yo, 'cuz I made it to the top." Just takes all the romance out of the moment, ya know?

In another song, Prince, I mean Justin, says he's got sexy ladies all over the flow. But if you check out the lyrics online (in a spasm of cloudy-headed thinking someone decided the lyrics should not be included with the CD), you'll find that his sexy ladies are all over the floor. I'm still not quite sure what he means by that, but it's better than having them all over the flow. That brings up visions of mothers and daughters talking about their heavy flow days, and that just turns me off.

In Damn Girl, he says "the way you let me put it down, girl, blows my mind." Just what exactly is he putting down? And where's he putting it? I've said over and over again that the only thing men are really looking for is a place to put it, but I'm just not getting his meaning here.

Perhaps most confusing is the line in the chorus of SexyBack when he says "go head be gone with it." Now, I know you kids today have your own thing goin' on, with your pants down below the waistband of your boxers and your cheeks pierced and your arms tattooed so you don't have to wear bracelets, but what the heck is Justin talking about? Be gone with what? Is this like when Madonna said "I'm down on my knees/I wanna take you there" and she didn't really mean to imply that she wanted to make anybody else get down on their knees, but rather, she wanted to transport them to another realm in the way that prayer might? I'm sure Justin is pretty serious about this "go head be gone with it" phrase because he repeats it at least 29 times in the song, sometimes as an accompinament to the bossy-sounding plea to "get your sexy on."

Nonetheless, it's a sexy little song, and while I don't always know what Justin is imploring us (or the girls in his life) to do, he talks about it all in such a propulsive way that I just want to dance my tuckus off (it's very special, what's behind my back) and worry about it later.
Much like Matt did with his bigoted friends in the movie School Ties. Here's a picture of them dancing together with Matt's school tie untied. See that? Matt brought sexy back loooong ago! I don't think there's a case thus far in any of Matt's films where I don't understand what he's trying to convey with his lines. But if it ever comes to that, I'm sure I'll just sit there in the dark theater and think to myself "I'd sure let Matt whip me if I misbehave. Go head be gone with it!"

Afflack!

Can it be? Is it possible? I mean, I can't believe it, but there are those who are intimating...

It really isn't possible that Ben Affleck could take the Oscar away from Matt this year, is it? Not that that would matter to Matt, of course, I mean the two of them being great friends and all.



Anyway, at first, according to all sources, if Ben was gonna get onto the Oscarcast, it was gonna be as a presenter. Then, word started circulating that Hollywoodland was bringing him back from his career slump. But it looked like any chance for Oscar gold was going to be in the Supporting category.

Well, the recent Venice and Toronto film festivals seem to be making changes in these perceptions. Now it looks like Ben has supporters who believe his performance as George Reeves belongs in the leading actor category. So now Ben Affleck and Peter O'Toole are both being lauded for playing aging Hollywood actors who've hit the skids.

Will Ben be nominated? Will he be nominated as Best Actor or as Best Supporting Actor? Will Matt be shut out because of Ben? Will Peter O'Toole be able to call this "My Favorite Year?"

No, I just don't believe it's possible...

Departing Soon at a Theater Near You

October 8, does that mean anything to you? What about October 6? October 3? Scratch your head no more over these dates, for I shall enlighten you. October 8 is Matt's birthday, the 6th is the official opening date for The Departed and the 3rd is the day The Departed is holding its premiere in New York City. Matt, if you're reading this, I'm sorry to say I won't be able to attend, since I have tickets to A Chorus Line that night. You've got to let me know about these things sooner!

In the beginning of his career, director Martin Scorsese teamed up quite a bit with actor Robert De Niro. Ironically, 2007 could see them competing against each other in the Best Director category at the Oscars (Scorsese for The Departed, De Niro for The Good Shepherd). Coincidentally, both their films star Matt Damon. The Departed is (loosely) based on the Hong Kong film, Infernal Affairs. It seems a cop is masquerading as a bad guy and a bad guy is masquerading as a cop. How on earth will mob czar Jack Nicholson and head cop Martin Sheen ever tell the difference? And will those loyal fans of the original Hong Kong film ever forgive Hollywood for botching it up with a remake? You can bet a lot is riding on this one.

Matt plays Colin Sullivan, and even though he's supposedly the bad guy, I gotta say I never really think of Matt as bad. I know he's wanted me to think that pretty badly. He kills Jude Law in The Talented Mr. Ripley, for instance, but I thought Law's character was annoyingly arrogant and pretty much deserved to die. Ditto for Philip Seymour Hoffman. He's a thief in the Ocean's movies and an assassin in the Bourne movies, but he's cute as hell so I just forgive him. He "died" briefly in The Brothers Grimm, but this time out, I'm afraid he's not gonna make it to the final credits. If that should happen, I'll just keep reminding myself it's only a movie.

And what a movie it should be with a cast like this: Matt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Martin Sheen, Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, why I'm tingling as I type! If one pays attention to the things Mr. Scorsese says from time to time, one would notice he's mentioned he plans to retire after maybe two more pictures, so we should all be grateful we've got this one on the way. And with all the hoopla surrounding this film, one hopes Leonardo will be able to pull off this particular Irish ruffian better than the one he played in Gangs of New York. But at the very least, we know Matt's and Mark Wahlberg's accents will be believable. After all, they both used to pahk their cahs in Hahvahd yahd.

The Daily Damon?

Although no one has actually voiced this (or written it), my guilt leads me to point out I haven't had an entry on this blog since August 31. That's 14 days ago (or two weeks, for those of you keeping score at home). So how on earth can I call this thing The Daily Damon? Well, the answer I have for you is that this blog is as much a daily occurrence as The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Whenever there's a holiday, Jon takes at least two weeks off, and on those occasions when he has to fly to Los Angeles to host the Oscars or win a couple more Emmys, you can bet the show will be off the air for at least another week! Not to mention the fact that the show's title is already incorrect because it airs only Monday through Thursday.

So basically, if Jon Stewart can say his show is "daily," I can say the same about my blog!

Speaking of television, did anyone out there see the Jimmy Kimmel show last night? The former Man Show host has a new chat show which he's been closing by saying "Apologies to Matt Damon, we ran out of time." Last night, at long last, Matt was on the show, but after an impossibly long introduction by Mr. Kimmel, they ran short on time and apologies were offered to Matt. When asked if he could come back the next night, Matt told Kimmel he could go fuck himself (he was bleeped, but I watched his perfect mouth very carefully). Over the credits, Matt was shown to be in a red-faced rant, and finally storming off the set. Hilarious, no? I know I busted a gut! Difficult as it may be to believe, some of Kimmel's fans have emailed him saying they thought Matt was totally out of line. There are also two(!) threads on the IMDB Matt Damon forum about how angry Matt got over this. Hey kids, it was a joke! I imagined anyone who might be a fan of Kimmel's brand of humor would surely get it. It reminds me of the time when Sinead O'Connor was booed off the stage at a Bob Dylan tribute concert after having torn a picture of the pope on a recent airing of Saturday Night Live. How, I wondered, could Bob Dylan fans not be in favor of free speech? The man who spent the 60s and 70s protesting everything from bigotry to xenophobia. It perplexes me.

One other thing that perplexes me is how Matt could have been passed up for an Emmy nomination for his brilliant work on The Bernie Mac Show episode Keep it on the Short Grass. I was reminded of this last night when the episode was rerun. Of course, he played himself, but I have to say, next to Lucy Lawless (also playing herself), he looked much more realistic.