Stroking the Egos of Men

I’m a little behind on this. That’s because I wasn’t going to say anything about it but it’s built to a point in me that I can’t let it go, just like my love for Matt.

There was this football game in 2004 where Janet Jackson performed a concert during the part where the players take a break from trying to beat each other to a bloody pulp, return to the locker room and slap each other with towels. At the end of this concert, Justin Timberlake brought sexy back by ripping off a piece of Janet’s corset, allegedly to reveal her red lace bra underneath. But somehow, poor Justin must have accidentally ripped off more than he should have, for there was Janet’s right breast (with the nipple covered by a kind of brooch that looked like a silver star) exposed for all the world to see. Well, maybe not all the world, but a reported audience of 140 million, who were apparently so offended by the horrific turn of events that the second-and-a-half mishap was declared the most-searched-for event in internet history, with 60 times as many search requests as the Paris Hilton sex tape and 80 times as many as Britney Spears, who my brother claims is “hotter than a two-dollar pistol on a Saturday night.”

Federal Communications Commission Chairman Michael Powell was watching the game with his two children and reportedly found the incident “outrageous.” CBS, who aired the event, and MTV, who promoted it, both issued apologies, but the stock price of Viacom, CBS’ parent company, rose more than 1 percent the following day. Janet was badgered to make an apology of her own, but Timberlake didn’t need to be asked, as he immediately distanced himself from Janet and issued this little press release: “I am sorry if anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance at the Super Bowl. It was not intentional and is regrettable.” Why, even the White House got into the spirit of renouncing Janet as a sex fiend on a mission to corrupt minors, putting out this statement: “Our view is that it’s important for families to be able to expect a high standard when it comes to programming.” What, Janet’s boobies are subpar?

There are several problems I have with all this. The first is, if MTV wasn’t aware of what was going to go down, why was their website in the week leading up to the event broadcasting this little tease: “Janet Jackson's Super Bowl show promises shocking moments.” Hmmm? Also, there seems to be a great deal of concern for the sensibilities of minors who may have been watching this “game.” American football is not exactly a peaceful, Scrabble-like contest where opponents match their wits with one another using highly-practiced brain power. In fact, there were three fatalities in 2005 alone from football-related brain injuries. Two of the deaths were high-school students and one a professional player. So I’m given to understand that deadly violence is okay for children to witness, but human anatomy is off limits. Thank you for explaining that to me, I shall try to keep it in mind.

But wait – this year, the little sporting spectacle took place again, but with a halftime concert performance by Prince, the former slave of Warner Bros. (that’s what he scrawled on his cheek during 1994 negotiations with the entertainment giant). He played four songs and then launched into his signature tune, Purple Rain, during which his shadow was projected onto an enormous sheet – a shadow that highlighted the phallic nature of his specially-crafted guitar. And the diminutive performer took it one step further by simulating a bit of self love on his, er, instrument. The reaction to this was a bit of good-natured teasing from late show hosts Craig Ferguson and Stephen Colbert, and a slap-on-the-wrist mention on foxnews.com.

Greg Aiello, spokesman for the NFL, who produced this year’s halftime show, commented: “…it takes quite a leap of the imagination to make a controversy of his performance. It’s a guitar.” Okay, I can’t argue with that, it was indeed a guitar. But Gavin Edwards, a contributing editor at Rolling Stone, remembers during Prince’s Purple Rain tour in the mid-1980s, he performed with a guitar that would ejaculate, that is, spurt water out of its end during the, uh, climax of the song Let’s Go Crazy. So what were Prince’s intentions when he stroked his long-neck guitar in larger-than-life silhouette in front of the sensitive Super Bowl viewing audience? We may never know. But this is the man who prompted Tipper Gore to begin her campaign to include warning labels on CDs after she heard the song Darling Nikki, in which the elfin musician sang “I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine.”

So my question is: why was there so little commotion raised over this bout of sexual expression, when the entire country went crazy after viewing Janet Jackson’s right breast covered only by a nipple-brooch? I’m guessing it’s because Prince is a man, football games are watched by men and all men understand what Prince is referring to when he strokes his musical euphemism. But hold on a minute, why should American men, who seem to be fascinated by breasts (note the existence of Jugs magazine), be so outraged by the display of such a common piece of flesh? Ah, therein lays the mystery. But it would seem to me, if men celebrated Janet’s breasts, they might just be endowing them with the power they actually have, whereas, if they feign shock and rush to lock up the wives and children to prevent them from viewing such offensive matter, they are successfully keeping the woman in her place. Maybe Janet’s album 20 YO didn’t sell as well as her previous offerings because she isn’t currently barefoot and pregnant? But perhaps Janet can stroke Prince’s guitar on the cover of her next disc and that will make everything right again?