Grammatical Life in the Subliminable City

I read recently that Matt gave his five favorite books of 2006 as Christmas presents last year. The books were Imperial Life in the Emerald City (Rajiv Chandrasekaran), Freakonomics (Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner), The End of Poverty: Economic Possibilities for Our Time (Jeffrey Sachs), Revolutionary Road (Richard Yates) and The Men Who Stare at Goats (Jon Ronson). From this, I gather that Matt is quite literate, which gives me a warm feeling deep inside. Language is important to me. It’s how we communicate, after all.

So I’d like to shine a light on something that makes me crazy, in the vain hope that someone who regularly commits one (or all) of these crimes may learn from his mistake(s) and become more skilled in the art of communication. The English language is difficult, to be sure. There are words that sound alike but mean completely different things (like fair and fare) and words that are spelled similarly but not pronounced the same (like rough, cough and though). If it’s your second language and you’re struggling with it, I certainly feel your pain. But if you were taught the language in your early youth and given the opportunity to study it throughout your educational process, I can’t forgive you for your total disregard of certain simple grammatical rules.

Of course, it’s not entirely your fault. Participation in the internet’s chat rooms, forums and email services, as well as the practice of texting via cell phones and Blackberries all seems to promote abbreviation. As does Prince, come to think of it. Maybe it started with him? His liner notes used to drive me nuts with the lyrics printed out as “U say u want a leader, but u can’t seem 2 make up your mind” and “This is 4 the cab u have 2 drive 4 no money at all.” So we’re all getting and sending messages like “ur str8, rnt u?” and “y cant ne1 tell me wut I did rong?”

And then rap singers with names like Schoolly D, Eminem, 2pac and Ludacris came along and we were all sentenced to a couple of decades of mispronunciations, misspellings and misusage. The horror, the horror! Of course, I can’t forget the current resident in the White House whose Good Ol’ Boyisms include phrases like “smoke ‘em out of their holes,” “we’re turnin’ a corner” and “I know how to put food on my family.” Also, I can’t forget the early days, when a GOP attack ad aimed at Democratic candidate Al Gore allegedly flashed the word RATS across the screen for a microsecond as a suggestive appeal to voters’ subconscious minds. In response, Mr. Bush said “The idea of putting subliminable (sic) messages into ads is – it’s ridiculous. You know, we need to be debating the issues.” Actually, we need to be debating his credentials for holding office. Twice!

So who are we now? A nation that abbreviates, misspells and generally mangles the English language. I’ve got a few all–time pet peeves in this department, and if you’re American and proud of your mother tongue, perhaps you’ve got a few of your own.

I feel if I read the word “loose” as a substitution for the word “lose” one more time, I may loose my mind. And by that I mean, allow it to roam freely in the ionosphere where it will do me less damage. The latest instance of this unfortunate swap was on a forum where Broadway shows are discussed. The person in question was making a reference to the Stephen Sondheim song Losing My Mind (from Follies). Now I ask you, don’t you think it’s reasonable of me to believe a fan of that particular song - someone who’s actually involved in musical theater, and who likely sang or perhaps at least played through the song - should know how it’s spelled?

Another maddening switch for me is when “lead” is typed in place of “led.” It’s true when you’re talking about toys that came from China and were recalled due to lead-based paint, the word is pronounced the same as “led.” But it doesn’t mean the same thing at all. “Led,” you see, is a past tense form of the word “lead.” So when you write “he lead me downstairs,” it would only be correct if it were written as a phrase spoken by a character whose education is unfinished…or perhaps by a rap artist. But it would still be ludacris, wouldn’t you agree?

My last pet peeve regarding the misuse of words has to do with possession. I don’t mean possession by the devil, although it’s tempting to think that may be the cause of the errors and not simple laziness or apathy. Here’s a little tip that might help you in your writing: It’s always true that “it’s” is a contraction for “it is.” Its use in any other way would be incorrect. If there are any other contractions you need help with, I’m sure they’re on the tip of your tongue and I’d be happy to help you with their spellings and usage. Just let me know. And don’t feel embarrassed to have to ask for assistance. There, there, we all need help sometimes.