Exact Words

“I never go on vacation,” said [name withheld because I don't know her], a real estate agent in Manhattan. “And when I do, I have my computer, my Palm, my e-mail and my phone with me at all times.”

What's wrong with the statement above? It's from an article in today's New York Times, about how more people are opting to waive their vacation time. But Ms. Name Withheld contradicts herself. First, she says she never goes on vacation. Then, she tells us that when she goes on vacation, she has her electronic accoutrements with her. Ms. Name Withheld may be big in the world of real estate, but she'd fail dismally in the creative writing classroom. One can't say one never does a particular thing, and then qualify the statement to say that when that particular thing is done, other things occur. Never means not ever, not at all, not at any time, not even if Matt Damon asked me to! If the word "never" is used, the phrase "and when I do" is as out of place as Ben Affleck in one of the Bourne films.

Doesn't anyone care about proper usage of the English language any more? On episode 87 of The Brady Brunch (Greg Gets Grounded), the number one son gets into a tough spot when he's banned from driving the car after a fender-bender, yet he takes a friend's car out to buy tix for a big concert (I'm guessing it was Tony Orlando and Dawn). When questioned by Mr. and Mrs. Groovy Parent on why he deliberately disobeyed them, he says he was told he wasn't to use their car, not any car. Well, hilarity ensues as Greg and his hip 'rents enter into an agreement about exact words and how important it is to say what you mean. It all leads up to Greg's date with Rachel, which is rudely upstaged by younger brother Bobby and his box of bullfrogs. Ah, those simple 70s.

But it is important for us to say what we mean. If no one took us at our exact words, how could we be sure what they'd make of anything we said? If no one were paying attention to exact words, I might say "I'm going to see Dogma again," and people would think I said I was in the dog house again. They might ask "Oh yeah, what did you do wrong?" And I'd be scratching my head, wondering what could possibly be wrong with seeing Dogma again. It would be quite the messy conversation, don't you agree?

So when Matt says he's committed to filming the third Bourne movie, that's just what he means. He doesn't mean that he was born to film The Commitments. Although, after his punk performance in EuroTrip, I'd love to see him tackle Ride, Sally, Ride.